Why yes I am just making all the headers for these reviews random pictures of wrestlers, why do you ask? Anyway on to your Mountain Dew Main Event, My recap and review:

Recap

We pick up where we left off last week with the cops retrieving Flora’s hoodie from a tree. The sheriff makes a flippant remark and complains about searching the forrest. Lee suspects something is off about the cops behavior but brushes it off as they go searching. After searching for a while they find Flora’s doll torn apart and covered with blood with a pigs head on top. They keep searching and find a dilapidated farm house with rotting corpses and two kids breastfeeding from a pig.

They bring the cops back to the farm who bring the kids to a hospital. Mason shows up angry but Matt manages to talk him down. A social worker tries to talk to the kids but fails as they only scream “Croatoan”

They go back to searching for Flora for days but they fail to find her. Mason freaks out and thinks that Lee is simply hiding Flora from them. He threatens to go to the cops and knocks over Lee when she tries to stop him.

Later, the cops call to tell the family that they found a body. The body turns out to be Mason who was burnt to a crisp and strung up to a tree.

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Matt gets a couple of security alerts to his phone showing Lee sneaking in and out of the house. Shelby thinks that Lee may have done it, Lee is angry about this and Matt suggests that they all leave. Just then a weird little man named Cricket shows up, he claims to be a psychic and offers to help them find Flora. He finds a bonnet and determines that Flora was taken by Priscilla who apparently has been dead since the 16th Century.

Cricket then performs a ceremony to summon Priscilla. They end up summoning Kathy Bates instead, who chops a candle in half. Kathy Bates gets in an argument with Cricket and she bursts several windows of the house. Cricket shouts Croatoan several times which apparently makes the attacks stop. Cricket reveals that he knows where Flora is and will take them to her. Matt refuses to have any of that and flips out on him. Lee refuses to have any of it either and pulls a gun on him. Matt convinces her to lower the gun and then tells Cricket to leave. He says something to Lee as he goes.

In the interview segment, the real Lee freaks out when asked by the interviewer about her first daughter Emily, who died sometime ago. She composes herself and continues the story.

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She goes back to Cricket who tells her about Kathy Bates aka Thomson who he reveals was the leader of the Roanoke colony along with her son Detective Fucked Up Irish Sherlock. The colonists were starving and eventually turn on her and abandon her in the woods. There she is chased by the pig man and saved by some creepy girl who feeds her the pigmans heart. She returns to Roanoke and kills the mutineers while sparing the Detective (Or Ambrose I suppose) who pledges to serve her.

Cricket and the others venture into the woods to find Flora. They find Thomson and Cricket and tries to strike up a deal with her to hand over Flora in exchange for leaving the property. Lee agrees to this but Shelby is pissed and doesn’t want to do this. Matt meanwhile disappears and Shelby find him fucking Lady Gaga while two hillbillys wank off to it while standing next to a disemboweled pig.

She gets pissed off at this and leaves and calls the cops on Lee to end the show.

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Review

I wondered how long it would take for someone to fuck a ghost on this season. And of course Shelby is dumb enough to focus on the wrong parts of that whole scene. Some things never change.

Besides that we finally got some decent interaction with Kathy Bates and Detective Fucked-Up Sherlock (Now in Irish flavor) and that a good thing. I’m kind of effy on the character of Cricket so I guess we’ll have to see. Overall we’re still going fine but episode 4 is usually the turning point for these season so I guess we’ll see.

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Miscellaneous

  • What an ugly wig Cricket was wearing. Why would you have him wear such a hideous thing?
  • So it seems we’re doing witches mixed with Roanoke this season. I was actually expecting them to do some sort of Native American magic stuff but this is interesting as well.
  • So what if this whole season ends up being one giant promotion for Resident Evil 7?